Many of us who live in B.C. have relatives living in Calgary or other parts of Alberta so possibly we heard the horrific news of how Efua was fatally hit by the c-train on Oct. 15 at 7:35 a.m. before hearing about this accident on the TV or Internet. It was news that left most of us in tears with a deep feeling of total helplessness in comforting this little six-year-old girl, her parents or the driver of the c-train.
From all accounts Efua (who snuck out of the house unbeknownst to her mother who was getting her three children ready for the school bus that would soon arrive in front of the house) walked across the train tracks on the sidewalk confidently and probably with a spirit of adventure until she was frightened by the loud noise of the train’s horn and flashing lights. According to the police report, it was Efua’s overwhelming fear that seemingly caused her to be “confused” about the direction she was going in and caused her to turn back (which put her little body in front of the c-train).
The driver of the c-train explained how he saw Efua was already across the train tracks safely but then to his horror he witnessed her running back onto the tracks. Thus, the police’s explanation for Efua’s sudden change of direction was that she became “confused” by the loud horn and flashing lights. I can’t help but wonder if Efua was not “confused” but rather did what any child does when frightened: goes back to the secure protective arms of mom, dad and siblings. Efua knew she was loved and wanted to feel safe again so she turned back to head home.
I have dedicated this month’s column to Angel Efua as she has inspired me to draw attention to how emotionally healthy children behave in the face of fear and how emotionally healthy adults behave in the face of fear. Emotionally healthy children in the face of fear immediately seek security and protection from the perceived danger, the nightmare, the boogie man, other children who are perceived as being mean to them. In other words, they run from the fear. They run back to their own experience of security: arms of a loved adult, mom and dad’s bed, a dark corner under the stairs, (barn), and/or hug an animal.
Generally, an emotionally healthy adult does not run from the fear but rather confronts the fear with a calm logical approach. Most often in adulthood, fear takes the form of worry and anxiety. Once the adult recognizes how he/she feels, the worry/anxiety (usually physically) in the form of intestinal colic, headaches, clinching teeth, tight jaws, frequent urination, constipation, herpes on lips/nose or even a body rash, the individual confronts the problematic situation for what it is and seeks to find an appropriate solution.
I once read the caption on a calender that said under the photo of a mountain climber “Go In The Direction Of Your Fear.” The image that was conjured up in my mind on reading this caption was of an airplane flying towards white fluffy clouds. As the airplane passed through the clouds, I wondered where did those clouds that were blocking the airplane’s pathway go? They simply dissipated. This image allows me to acknowledge the fear/worry/anxiety and have the courage to keep on going in the direction of the fear/worry/anxiety; knowing that the fear/worry/anxiety will dissipate once I have confronted the situation/problem that feeds the worrying.
When an adult refuses or is emotionally unable to go in the direction of the fear/worry/anxiety, then it enlarges in the individual’s mind and overwhelms him/her to the point he/she is emotionally paralyzed. When a person is emotionally paralyzed by fear, he/she cannot go forward, cannot make a rational decision because his/her self-talk is saying “what if” to every possible solution. In a state of confusion, the adult often reverts to childhood behaviours of running away. The behaviours in adulthood of running away manifest as seeking a different job, a different relationship, taking frequent holidays, moving to a different city/country and even removing oneself from society by living reclusively.
Perhaps the next time we are worried, we may want to talk with our Angel Efua and ask her to help us not to revert to running away behaviours, but to help us believe that our worries will dissipate in time.
(Kathleen Kelly is a Chemainus resident and author of the book ‘The Tornadoes We Create’).